Wolfmother have nothing to do with this post. That’s the last you’ll hear of them from me, that’s for sure.
However, I would like to talk about an experience I…experienced…tonight. I went to the gym tonight for the first time in about three weeks. This is the norm rather than the exception: each time I go, it is so traumatising to be outbenchpressed by a balding middle age man that I go into a deep funk, reversed only by the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol later that night. But it really got me thinking about what the appropriate behaviour is for an anti-gym junkie like me. After all, there are four main types of gym-goers:
- The macho man- This makes up 40% of all gym customers. These guys live for the gym. Strutting around like they own the place, these men once had a job. Unfortunately, their extreme muscle density has infiltrated the space usually reserved for a brain, causing them to forget simple requirements such as turning up to work and living on a diet not dominated by protein supplements. They all have father issues- Ever since Dad crushed them in their annual wrestling match for the 18th time in a row, they’ve been determined to show everyone who the real man of the family is. Who cares if he can barely stand up straight after a lifetime of labouring, let alone wrestle a young man at the peak of his fitness? That SOB is going down!
- The “mature” man– This species often wears muscle shirts, perhaps to emphasize that there was once something there filling said shirts out. He clings on to his halcyon days like a footballer’s sputum, often reminiscing with the younger lads until they find the courage to tell him to piss off. And rightly so. After a vigorous workout, the mature man will go for a coffee (preferably a skinny latte) with his wife, a HGH-fuelled, plastic surgery riddled caricature of her younger self. He then pops a couple of Viagra on the car ride home and…. I’d prefer not to have to go on.
- The newbie- Often a high-school aged kid, the newbie will awkwardly negotiate equipment with a few of his friends, putting weights on that Mr. Schwarzenegger himself would have struggled with in his prime. This breed will either (i) quit the gym scene after two weeks, when they realise that they aren’t any more muscular after six gym sessions (who would’ve thought?), or (ii) stare enviously at the macho men, and resolve to become one. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that every newbie is either (i) an idiot, or (ii) on their way to becoming one!
- Women- Women’s behaviour at the gym is dictated by one rule- stay away from the weights! As our backwards-thinking society still believes women should not be seen to exert any effort in any activity, they are hence restricted to the cardio equipment. This is the sole reason why they live for six years longer than men. Women often band together in deceptively titled “cycling classes”. Have you ever been into a cycling class? Let me tell you something: there isn’t much cycling going on at all. In fact, this is just a front for the meetings of factions of females, ones who plan to gain equal treatment for women at gyms. After a particularly intense session, they will often storm outside, ready to take over the place once and for all. But this quickly dissolves into chaos, when the women remember how physically dominant men appear. Minutes later, a Fernwood Fitness Centre will open up down the road.
But anyways…….I’m not really too sure which of these groups I fit into. For one, I have been going to the gym, admittedly infrequently, for about three years now. I can’t really strut around like I’m the man, because I do cardio as well. However, I’m most definitely not a newbie; I know my limitations, and stay well away from them. I’m 19, so that rules out the old man part, unless you, dear reader, are a kindergarten student- and if this is so, then kudos!
It would definitely be much easier if I was a women- then, I could go to the gym for an hour or so, race home to my Facebook account and put my status as “Just went to the gym…TIRED!!!! lol ;D”.
Ah screw it, I’ll just never go to the gym again.
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