NBA Season Preview

I know that I shouldn’t really write about sport as it is such a divisive (and to many people, boring) topic, but never have I anticipated a professional league’s commencement as much as I do the 2009-10 NBA season. So here’s just a quick preview of how I think the season will go, followed by a few predictions:

 Eastern Conference Final Standings (predicted)

15. New York Knicks- 15-67 (15 wins, 67 losses)

14. Milwaukee Bucks- 24-58

13. Charlotte Bobcats- 29-53

12. New Jersey Nets- 30-52

11. Philadelphia 67ers- 35-47

10. Detroit Pistons- 37-45

9. Miami Heat- 37-45

8. Toronto Raptors- 40-42

7. Indiana Pacers- 41-41

6. Atlanta Hawks- 44-38

5. Washington Wizards- 47-35

4. Boston Celtics- 50-32

3. Chicago Bulls- 51-31

2. Orlando Magic- 60-22

1. Cleveland Cavaliers- 66-16

 Western Conference Final Standings (predicted)

15. Sacramento Kings- 9-73

14. Minnesota Timberwolves- 23-59

13. Golden State Warriors- 25-57

12. Houston Rockets- 26-56

11. Oklahoma City Thunder- 35-47

10. Memphis Grizzlies- 38-44

9. Los Angeles Clippers- 40-42

8. Denver Nuggets- 46-36

7. New Orleans Hornets- 49-33

6. Dallas Mavericks- 50-32

5. Phoenix Suns- 52-30

4. Utah Jazz- 53-29

3. Portland Trail Blazers- 59-23

2. San Antonio Spurs- 62-20

1. Los Angeles Lakers- 67-15

 

MVP: LeBron James

Rookie of the Year: Blake Griffin

Pothead of the Decade: Lamar Odom

Player most deserving of a Red Bull sponsorship: Anthony Randolph

Greatest hobo impersonation by a multi-millionaire: Pau Gasol

 

“World” Champion (that’s what the winner is called): Cleveland Cavaliers over San Antonio in 6 games.

                                                   

Five players whom I guarantee will improve:

  1. Kevin Durant
  2. Anthony Randolph
  3. Courtney Lee
  4. Rajon Rondo
  5. Trevor Ariza

 

Five players who will get worse/injured:

  1. Derek Fisher
  2. Dwyane Wade
  3. Stephen Jackson
  4. Elton Brand
  5. Kevin Garnett

 

Five players who you might assume would get better, but they won’t:

  1. Danny Granger
  2. Andre Iguodala
  3. Jameer Nelson
  4. Deron Williams
  5. LeBron James- only because it’s practically impossible for him to get any better

 

 

Completely Random Predictions/Thoughts

  • Kevin Durant will average 30 points a game AT LEAST
  • LeBron James will repeat as the almost unanimous MVP save for a solitary vote to Shaq, who somehow wrangles his own voting form and nominates himself
  • Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian (I don’t even know if that’s the right one) will split up 3 months into the season after he introduces her to LeBong James
  • Robin Lopez will be forced to shave his head after catching his feminine locks on the ring
  • Same for Joakim Noah
  • Anthony Randolph will smash the league record for “most games spent crying on the bench”
  • Glen “Big Baby” Davis will shed the unfortunate moniker after losing 80 pounds in the off-season; is now called “Tall, Skinny Baby who doesn’t actually look like a baby at all”
  • Rajon Rondo will deck at least 12 opponents, yet somehow never get suspended due to the fear instilled into David Stern by Rondo’s alien relatives
  • Dwight Howard will be rendered useless after packing on so much muscle that he is unable to actually jump
  • Hedo Turkoglu will be too embarrassed to play in his first game for the Raptors after his traditional pre-game meal of pizza results in an acne breakout
  • Tyler Hansbrough, fresh off being named the College Basketballer of the 2000’s, will be honoured with another title: “Most dunked-on player since Shawn Bradley”
  • After learning how to shoot three-pointers, Hasheem Thabeet will become this generation’s Manute Bol.
  • Dikembe Mutombo will be hired as the Houston Rockets’ game announcer
  • OJ Mayo will release an orange-flavoured mayonnaise that inexplicably proves to be wildly successful
  • The Memphis Grizzlies take a leaf out of “Semi-Pro” and play with a real live Grizzly bear as their mascot
  • The New Orleans Hornets follow Memphis’ lead and release a swarm of hornets into the crowd
  • The Orlando Magic follow suit, and Rashard Lewis “magically” disappears into thin air; his body washes up on the shore three days later
  • By the season’s end, we might actually find out if Blake Griffin is white, or Hispanic, or African-American, or just an amalgam of the three.
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4 responses to “NBA Season Preview

  1. I would put money on the Knicks getting 15 wins or less this season just quietly.

  2. best blog post of all time!

  3. Baseballers play 162 games in a regular season.

  4. wow they play 82 games a season. that’s incredible.

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