For centuries, humankind has asked one question of confectioners: What is the best type of chocolate? Well, using my patented “Pros versus Cons” method, today I will discover the answer to this age-old mystery, and in the process of doing so, enrage two-thirds of chocolate lovers.
Disclaimer: I ignored ones like marble, chocolate with fillings, and fruit and nut. Because really, who honestly enjoys fruit and nut? Chocolate-covered peanuts are good, and the same goes for the raisin variety, but both in the same block? It’s akin to tuna and Nutella being equally delicious on a sandwich- except that people aren’t idiotic enough to put them on the same piece of bread.
- It’s white, so you know it’s got to have milk in it
- Has the greatest potential of any type of chocolate: a good white chocolate will obliterate any competitor
- If it melts on your white t-shirt, it doesn’t show!
- Adopted nickname of Jason Williams- NBA player, and possibly the most street-skilled white guy in the entire league.
- Dangerously high in fat; at least, moreso than the other two types
- Bad white chocolate is, more often than not, actually just really old milk
- The preferred chocolate of Neo-Nazis and the KKK
Verdict: Whilst a tasty option, the fact that white chocolate was originally made as a way of getting rid of excess cocoa butter diminishes its place in the pantheon. Also, don’t eat this outdoors; the likelihood of being accused of bigotry is unbelievably high.
- It’s called milk chocolate for a reason!
- The most popular form of chocolate in history, slightly edging out the wonderful alliteration of Neanderthalean charcoal chocolate
- Consistently brilliant, irrespective of the brand
- Barack Obama’s chocolate of choice (unverified)
- Still really, really fatty- if they made a “Super Size Me”-style documentary about a guy eating only milk chocolate for a month, he’d get diabetes three days in
- When I said “consistently brilliant”, there was an exception: Hershey’s Chocolate, which tastes oddly tangy- not something I actively seek
- So populist, man- hipsters are way too cool for this shit
Verdict: Easily the most reliable form of chocolate, milk rarely fails to deliver. The common ideologies it manifests, though, may be off-putting to our culture’s non-conformists, who would rather eat the independent thinker’s chocolate of choice, dark, thereby paradoxically conforming themselves. Sound confusing? Well that’s because it’s stupid.
(Note: Have you tried eating a block of the stuff used for cooking? It’s nasty.)
- The healthiest option; doctors keep saying that it lowers the risk of cardiovascular problems
- Not as sweet as the other two, which, using the logic of beer, makes it exponentially more manly
- Morgan Tsvangarai’s chocolate of choice (again, this is totally unverified)
- Its proliferation has led to Lindt making those “85% Cocoa” dark varieties- quite possibly the foulest tasting chocolate in the world.
- Isn’t chocolate an indulgence? So shouldn’t our indulgences not really benefit our health? It’s similar to if there was a type of cigarette that, instead of causing lung cancer, actually increased our aerobic capacity. In other words: it’s not on!
- In relation to the logic of beer, it is not advisable for females- when you have to shave your chest girls, you know you’ve gone too far.
- Quite possibly also Robert Mugabe’s chocolate of choice
Verdict: In this age of super-obesity and health-consciousness, it is probably the right choice. However, if you live by the self-fulfilling motto “Life’s too short”, then it immediately is replaced by a bacon sandwich, only the bread is replaced by two slabs of milk chocolate. And why is this motto self-fulfilling? Basically because if you live life to the fullest, and indulge at every possible opportunity, then your life will indeed be too short, as you will die of a cocaine overdose at the age of 24. Whereas if you take the “Life’s a bit of journey, isn’t it?” approach, you will take things as they come, be sensible about your decisions, and lead a sheltered, unexciting existence up until the ripe old age of 87. You may not be any wiser about the world, but at least you got to see the first Aboriginal Prime Minister!
So the winner is: Milk chocolate! Take that Arts students!