Beef

I’ve got a beef with beef. It is a lame but true conceit, a premise that is focused in particular on the indeterminate portions cooked up by fast food joints. As the price of most meats continually rises, evil empires such as McDonald’s and Hungry Jack’s taunt and tempt us by providing subpar products at subpar prices. In a display of radicalism, these corporations have fought against the prevailing inflationary behaviour of meat prices and now offer burgers for less than a gold coin each. (Of course, they can afford to do this after they increased the price of their cookies from 30 cents to a criminally high $1, a price determined after a Google search which also yielded a page claiming, “McDonald’s cookies with mustard: it’s almost double the price, but totally worthwhile”.)

The typical student’s diet is roughly established based on three key aspects: value for money (which accounts for 50% of the decision’s weighting), trendiness (30%), and taste (20%). Less than three years ago, McDonald’s presented Australia with a burger that contained two beef patties and one slice of plastic cheese. Inexplicably, this so-called “McDouble” is 15 cents cheaper than a regular cheeseburger, providing this consumer with such great value that it overwhelms any moral qualms I hold after reading “Fast Food Nation”. Had I lived in close proximity to a McDonald’s restaurant, I would most likely be morbidly obese by now given my habitual, wanton devouring of mountains of foodstuffs after a night out. Luckily the nearest Mickey D’s is not in my suburb, and a lifetime of heart issues was avoided.

That is, until Hungry Jack’s introduced a 95 cent cheeseburger.

95 cents is, simply put, an outrageous price for a burger. Never mind how it probably only costs them a fifth of this to make the damn thing; just consider how a single bottle of water can set you back $2.85, a price that is coincidentally the cost of three cheeseburgers. I found this out the hard way when I ordered four of them one time, only to be told by the girl serving me that three was the maximum amount one customer could order.

So thanks, McDonald’s and Hungry Jack’s, for not only making my future self terribly gluttonous and unhealthy, but for also embarrassing me in front of your other patrons. Thanks for making me feel like I was Homer Simpson, and you were the All You Can Eat seafood restaurant.